Song of Songs 2:10 says,
“My beloved spoke and said to me, Arise, my darling, my beautiful one, come with me.”
More than a mere romantic confession, it is a pursuit by a love far different from any human affection—a divine, unconditional commitment that finds Gaeul in her darkest moment. My hope is that this same relentless love reaches out and touches every reader through her journey.
Song of Songs 2:10 says,
“My beloved spoke and said to me, Arise, my darling, my beautiful one, come with me.”
More than a mere romantic confession, it is a pursuit by a love far different from any human affection—a divine, unconditional commitment that finds Gaeul in her darkest moment. My hope is that this same relentless love reaches out and touches every reader through her journey.
Autumn 1 & 2, 2024
CHAPTER 1/3
"I told you, just leave me be! Stop bothering and worrying about your own life!"
"You little brat, are you really not going to listen to me or not? Stop hanging around those low-life thugs and learning their filth. Listen to your mother."
"You don't know the first thing about me, so don't talk like you know everything."
"Watch your mouth!"
"You first. You should be the one to speak softly. After all, look who I learned it from."
As if competing to see who could drive a deeper nail into the other’s heart, there was never a day of rest from the hammering in Gaeul’s home. She slammed the front door with all her might and left. Because of the fight, she had forgotten to even put lotion on her face; the biting winter wind tore at her skin like a blade. But more painful than that shallow stinging beneath the skin was Gaeul’s heart, which never had a moment of quiet to heal.
Gaeul hated her mother for labeling the friends who had been her strength during her wandering high school years as "low-life thugs." Yet, deep down, she knew the source of her mother’s harsh words. They were the friends who had shown her new joys in a tedious world, but as a year or two passed, a recurring thought drifted through her mind: something in her life had gone wrong. The words they spoke, the things they did, and the colors of the life they dreamed of—none of it looked beautiful to Gaeul anymore. To that circle, beyond family, friends, or lovers, a human being was merely a tool for one's own gain. They wrapped their "friendship" and "love" in plausible words, but the actions following those bloated terms were pitifully hollow. Did friendship or love ever even exist? As the calendar pages turned, the reality before her eyes grew uglier. Humans were untrustworthy; they were beings who must betray one another. Gaeul couldn't share this confusion with anyone. If she showed such weakness, she knew she would be cast out of the group immediately. She was lonely.
…
"Hey, Gaeul. I have something to tell you."
"What is it?"
"I’m seeing someone."
"Huh? Since when? I thought you were with Pung-san."
"We broke up."
"How come?"
"I just got bored of him, haha."
Saerong’s laughter felt particularly sinister today. The fine hairs on Gaeul’s arms stood on end.
"Hey, but you guys were so good together. Just last week you were celebrating your anniversary, crying about how touched and happy you were. What happened so suddenly? Did he cheat or something?"
"Haha, no. I did."
"What?"
"Well, while I was working my part-time job, this older guy kept telling me I was pretty and hitting on me, so I gave him my number. He asked to meet up, said he had plenty of money and would let me live a life of luxury forever."
"So, you met him?"
"Yeah, I did. Why should I live like a beggar, working part-time jobs forever? Honestly, the taste of money is sweet."
The Saerong who was cackling now wasn't the person Gaeul had known.
"Saerong... don't you think that’s a bit much for your boyfriend?"
"What's 'too much'? If we’ve been together for two years, it’s time to break up anyway."
"But no one cared for you or looked after you like Pung-san did."
"You’re being weird lately. Why do you keep picking fights? It’s annoying. If I say I’m happy, shouldn’t you support me as a friend? Are you just jealous?"
"Jealous? It’s obvious that old guy is just trying to get with you."
"Whatever. Don't you remember the seniors back in school? All guys are like that. You almost got caught up too, you idiot. If you had enjoyed yourself back then, you wouldn't be saying that to me. You only say these things easily because your family is well-off. You don't know how I feel. It's disgusting."
"Wealth has nothing to do with it. You’re making a wrong choice in life. I’m telling you this as a friend because I care about you."
"Just shut up. You just look jealous to me. Stop acting all 'nice' suddenly, it’s revolting."
"I’m leaving. He’s here to pick me up in an expensive foreign car. If you’re not going to be on my side, then just get out."
"…"
Gaeul couldn't get up from that spot for a long time, feeling as though she had lost a friend. A friend? Why do the threads connecting humans snap so easily? She was in agony. Memories of her time with Saerong flashed by. Scraping together coins to eat tteokbokki. The day Gaeul spilled sauce on her snowy-white uniform and they both laughed. Drawing their futures together on the apartment rooftop on a midsummer night with the crickets singing in the background. Counting the stars twinkling beautifully in the deep night sky until they fell asleep to the sound of each other’s breathing. Those precious memories vanished slowly along with that older man's car.
"Hey! Kim Gaeul!"
It was one of the school seniors Saerong had mentioned.
"Oh... hi. It’s been a while."
"Wow, you’ve gotten even prettier. What are you doing here?"
"Ah, I was just meeting a friend. I’m about to head home."
"Really? Then hang out with me. Listen to my worries for a bit. I’ve really been going through hell lately."
Soft-hearted Gaeul couldn't leave and sat back down. The man spoke of being dumped and scammed, his eyes brimming with tears. Forgetting what kind of person he really was, she felt a surge of pity. Those tears—whether real or not—blurred her memories of his past. They moved to a restaurant, and as food appeared, the number of alcohol bottles grew.
"So, I was definitely going to deposit the money, but the bank suddenly closed!"
"…"
"So I banged on the door with my fist, really hard. It wasn't even a holiday, so it was so strange..."
Gaeul’s pupils were unfocused; her head began to droop. In front of her, she saw the man’s mouth, ceaselessly babbling self-pity. His lips were turned down in a pout, but then she saw one corner of his mouth curl high toward his cheekbone. She felt something was wrong, but she couldn't overcome the wave of intoxication.
Gaeul regained her senses slightly at the sound of movement. She was clearly wearing several layers, but the cool air touching her skin felt wrong. Someone was groping her body. In that instant, her mind snapped awake; she screamed and pushed the man away with all her strength.
"Ah, fuck, why the hell are you waking up and acting out?"
"You crazy bastard..."
Gaeul quickly scrambled up, grabbed only her outer coat, and fled barefoot. The heavy, thudding sound of footsteps chasing after her made her skin crawl, but she had no time to look back. It felt as if the world were moving in slow motion. Even though she was running with all her might, a single second seemed to pass as slowly as ten.
“Faster, faster.”
She could only repeat those same words to herself as she ran for her life. She threw her body against the emergency exit door and plunged down the stairs. The loud noise began to draw people out into the hallways and stairwells, and seeing the half-naked man running, the people moved to seize him. As she descended from the fifth floor to the fourth, and from the third to the second, the footsteps chasing her finally grew distant.
By the time Gaeul reached the first floor, the strength in her legs had completely given out. Tears began to fall onto her knees. But she didn't have the time to sit there and be sad. Her body trembled at the thought that the madman might catch up to the first floor and face her again. No matter how much she tried, her legs simply wouldn't move.
No. She couldn't stop here. Gaeul began to crawl frantically toward the basement stairs, digging her two elbows into the ground. As she did, one arm slipped; she lost her balance and tumbled down the stairs. Blood was flowing down her knees, shins, and forearms, but Gaeul crawled as quickly as possible into a corner to curl up and hide. Then, she began to sob under her breath. Thinking she had to call her mother—even her mother—she searched through her clothes for her phone and placed the call.
"Mom... Mom..."
"Hello?"
"......"
"If you called, say something."
Gaeul couldn't speak; she only sobbed. Her mother’s voice was still cold, yet the mere sound of it brought comfort. Until the next words came.
"What kind of trouble did you get into now? How long are you going to torture me? Are you truly out of your mind?"
"No, Mom, that’s not it..."
"Didn't I tell you to behave? Don't even think about coming home. Why do you make me suffer like this? Do you want to see me die out of freaking stress? Is that what you want?"
"......"
"Answer me! My God, you’re driving me crazy. I should just die. To think a thing like you is my child."
The call ended. A final nail was driven straight through Gaeul's heart. All strength left her body. The phone slipped from her hand and fell to the ground. She leaned against the wall and looked up at the ceiling. A dark ceiling. Dull air. A musty smell. The smell of the basement. It felt as foul as the smell of her own discarded life. Her tears had stopped. She felt hollow. No place to go, no one to lean on—nothing. With the eyes of a dead fish, she let her head fall. In a corner, she saw shards of broken glass. Her mother’s words flashed through her mind.
‘I should just die. To think a thing like you is my child.'
"No," Gaeul whispered, picking up a shard. "No. I should be the one to die. You worked so hard, Mrs. Kim, after being abandoned by your husband. For your sake, I’ll die first so you can live a bit more comfortably." "Yes, I’ll die for you. I’ll relieve you of one disgusting burden. I’ll just die."
With trembling hands, she gripped the glass shard with all her might. The sharp edge dug into her fingers, and blood began to flow. Fear washed over her at the sight of the dark blood, but she couldn't afford to be weak.
"Haha, fuck, life really is a piece of work."
The fluid flowing along her slit wrist felt warm. It was a fleeting warmth in a frozen winter, a dead cold life. The musty basement smell mixed with the scent of blood, making it even more nauseating. Strength ebbed from her body; her mind grew hazy. Noisy sounds echoed. Were people fighting? Thumping sounds and curses drifted from all directions. Blue and red lights flashed. The police? Either way, she didn't have the strength to lift a finger. Footsteps grew closer. Was it him? But what did it matter? Everything was over now.
And so, Gaeul lost consciousness.
As she lay with her eyes closed, someone approached and whispered. "My beloved daughter, my lovely daughter." It was soft. An unknown presence gently tucked her hair behind her ear. Her ear shimmered quietly in the pale moonlight. Then, the presence whispered again. "My daughter, my beautiful daughter, wake up and come with me."
Gaeul felt it strange that a stranger would say such things. Yet, the touch and the voice felt so warm. Like the stability of an endless, deep sea, her heart began to melt. Liar. What’s so lovely about me? It’s a lie. Who are you to say that when you know nothing of my life?
Within Gaeul’s heart, stories different from the voice in her ear continued to unfold. She couldn't understand why a voice would seek out a life like hers. Yet, she felt she wanted to surrender to it. Like throwing oneself onto a drifting cloud to find perfect rest. If it were possible, just once, she wanted to cast herself onto that cloud. Whether from meaningless people, a family that never truly existed, or from her own discarded self—she wanted to escape from everything that shackled her.
"Gaeul! Gaeul!"
Everything was blurry; she couldn't tell if the mass before her was an object or a person. Hearing a heart monitor, she figured she was in a hospital. Gaeul closed her eyes and ears. She already missed that dream-like voice. But why is everything so noisy? She wished the world would just stop. She let out a long breath through her nose—a sigh of relief. A tear rolled down her cheek, carving a thin path. Emotions she had hidden deep inside flowed down that trail.
"Gaeul, are you okay? What happened??" She saw bobbed hair. It was Saerong. Saerong clutched Gaeul’s hand as she was wheeled on the gurney. That’s right, Saerong’s hands were always cold. Perhaps because she worked so much, they were still rough. Gaeul lay still, her mouth shut, saying nothing.
The clock passed midnight, moving toward two in the morning.
Autumn 1 & 2, 2024
CHAPTER 1/3
"I told you, just leave me be! Stop bothering and worrying about your own life!"
"You little brat, are you really not going to listen to me or not? Stop hanging around those low-life thugs and learning their filth. Listen to your mother."
"You don't know the first thing about me, so don't talk like you know everything."
"Watch your mouth!"
"You first. You should be the one to speak softly. After all, look who I learned it from."
As if competing to see who could drive a deeper nail into the other’s heart, there was never a day of rest from the hammering in Gaeul’s home. She slammed the front door with all her might and left. Because of the fight, she had forgotten to even put lotion on her face; the biting winter wind tore at her skin like a blade. But more painful than that shallow stinging beneath the skin was Gaeul’s heart, which never had a moment of quiet to heal.
Gaeul hated her mother for labeling the friends who had been her strength during her wandering high school years as "low-life thugs." Yet, deep down, she knew the source of her mother’s harsh words. They were the friends who had shown her new joys in a tedious world, but as a year or two passed, a recurring thought drifted through her mind: something in her life had gone wrong. The words they spoke, the things they did, and the colors of the life they dreamed of—none of it looked beautiful to Gaeul anymore. To that circle, beyond family, friends, or lovers, a human being was merely a tool for one's own gain. They wrapped their "friendship" and "love" in plausible words, but the actions following those bloated terms were pitifully hollow. Did friendship or love ever even exist? As the calendar pages turned, the reality before her eyes grew uglier. Humans were untrustworthy; they were beings who must betray one another. Gaeul couldn't share this confusion with anyone. If she showed such weakness, she knew she would be cast out of the group immediately. She was lonely.
Detail image of Autumn 2, 2024
…
"Hey, Gaeul. I have something to tell you."
"What is it?"
"I’m seeing someone."
"Huh? Since when? I thought you were with Pung-san."
"We broke up."
"How come?"
"I just got bored of him, haha."
Saerong’s laughter felt particularly sinister today. The fine hairs on Gaeul’s arms stood on end.
"Hey, but you guys were so good together. Just last week you were celebrating your anniversary, crying about how touched and happy you were. What happened so suddenly? Did he cheat or something?"
"Haha, no. I did."
"What?"
"Well, while I was working my part-time job, this older guy kept telling me I was pretty and hitting on me, so I gave him my number. He asked to meet up, said he had plenty of money and would let me live a life of luxury forever."
"So, you met him?"
"Yeah, I did. Why should I live like a beggar, working part-time jobs forever? Honestly, the taste of money is sweet."
The Saerong who was cackling now wasn't the person Gaeul had known.
"Saerong... don't you think that’s a bit much for your boyfriend?"
"What's 'too much'? If we’ve been together for two years, it’s time to break up anyway."
"But no one cared for you or looked after you like Pung-san did."
"You’re being weird lately. Why do you keep picking fights? It’s annoying. If I say I’m happy, shouldn’t you support me as a friend? Are you just jealous?"
"Jealous? It’s obvious that old guy is just trying to get with you."
"Whatever. Don't you remember the seniors back in school? All guys are like that. You almost got caught up too, you idiot. If you had enjoyed yourself back then, you wouldn't be saying that to me. You only say these things easily because your family is well-off. You don't know how I feel. It's disgusting."
"Wealth has nothing to do with it. You’re making a wrong choice in life. I’m telling you this as a friend because I care about you."
"Just shut up. You just look jealous to me. Stop acting all 'nice' suddenly, it’s revolting."
"I’m leaving. He’s here to pick me up in an expensive foreign car. If you’re not going to be on my side, then just get out."
"…"
Gaeul couldn't get up from that spot for a long time, feeling as though she had lost a friend. A friend? Why do the threads connecting humans snap so easily? She was in agony. Memories of her time with Saerong flashed by. Scraping together coins to eat tteokbokki. The day Gaeul spilled sauce on her snowy-white uniform and they both laughed. Drawing their futures together on the apartment rooftop on a midsummer night with the crickets singing in the background. Counting the stars twinkling beautifully in the deep night sky until they fell asleep to the sound of each other’s breathing. Those precious memories vanished slowly along with that older man's car.
"Hey! Kim Gaeul!"
It was one of the school seniors Saerong had mentioned.
"Oh... hi. It’s been a while."
"Wow, you’ve gotten even prettier. What are you doing here?"
"Ah, I was just meeting a friend. I’m about to head home."
"Really? Then hang out with me. Listen to my worries for a bit. I’ve really been going through hell lately."
Soft-hearted Gaeul couldn't leave and sat back down. The man spoke of being dumped and scammed, his eyes brimming with tears. Forgetting what kind of person he really was, she felt a surge of pity. Those tears—whether real or not—blurred her memories of his past. They moved to a restaurant, and as food appeared, the number of alcohol bottles grew.
"So, I was definitely going to deposit the money, but the bank suddenly closed!"
"…"
"So I banged on the door with my fist, really hard. It wasn't even a holiday, so it was so strange..."
Gaeul’s pupils were unfocused; her head began to droop. In front of her, she saw the man’s mouth, ceaselessly babbling self-pity. His lips were turned down in a pout, but then she saw one corner of his mouth curl high toward his cheekbone. She felt something was wrong, but she couldn't overcome the wave of intoxication.
Gaeul regained her senses slightly at the sound of movement. She was clearly wearing several layers, but the cool air touching her skin felt wrong. Someone was groping her body. In that instant, her mind snapped awake; she screamed and pushed the man away with all her strength.
"Ah, fuck, why the hell are you waking up and acting out?"
"You crazy bastard..."
Gaeul quickly scrambled up, grabbed only her outer coat, and fled barefoot. The heavy, thudding sound of footsteps chasing after her made her skin crawl, but she had no time to look back. It felt as if the world were moving in slow motion. Even though she was running with all her might, a single second seemed to pass as slowly as ten.
“Faster, faster.”
She could only repeat those same words to herself as she ran for her life. She threw her body against the emergency exit door and plunged down the stairs. The loud noise began to draw people out into the hallways and stairwells, and seeing the half-naked man running, the people moved to seize him. As she descended from the fifth floor to the fourth, and from the third to the second, the footsteps chasing her finally grew distant.
By the time Gaeul reached the first floor, the strength in her legs had completely given out. Tears began to fall onto her knees. But she didn't have the time to sit there and be sad. Her body trembled at the thought that the madman might catch up to the first floor and face her again. No matter how much she tried, her legs simply wouldn't move.
No. She couldn't stop here. Gaeul began to crawl frantically toward the basement stairs, digging her two elbows into the ground. As she did, one arm slipped; she lost her balance and tumbled down the stairs. Blood was flowing down her knees, shins, and forearms, but Gaeul crawled as quickly as possible into a corner to curl up and hide. Then, she began to sob under her breath. Thinking she had to call her mother—even her mother—she searched through her clothes for her phone and placed the call.
"Mom... Mom..."
"Hello?"
"......"
"If you called, say something."
Gaeul couldn't speak; she only sobbed. Her mother’s voice was still cold, yet the mere sound of it brought comfort. Until the next words came.
"What kind of trouble did you get into now? How long are you going to torture me? Are you truly out of your mind?"
"No, Mom, that’s not it..."
"Didn't I tell you to behave? Don't even think about coming home. Why do you make me suffer like this? Do you want to see me die out of freaking stress? Is that what you want?"
"......"
"Answer me! My God, you’re driving me crazy. I should just die. To think a thing like you is my child."
The call ended. A final nail was driven straight through Gaeul's heart. All strength left her body. The phone slipped from her hand and fell to the ground. She leaned against the wall and looked up at the ceiling. A dark ceiling. Dull air. A musty smell. The smell of the basement. It felt as foul as the smell of her own discarded life. Her tears had stopped. She felt hollow. No place to go, no one to lean on—nothing. With the eyes of a dead fish, she let her head fall. In a corner, she saw shards of broken glass. Her mother’s words flashed through her mind.
‘I should just die. To think a thing like you is my child.'
"No," Gaeul whispered, picking up a shard. "No. I should be the one to die. You worked so hard, Mrs. Kim, after being abandoned by your husband. For your sake, I’ll die first so you can live a bit more comfortably." "Yes, I’ll die for you. I’ll relieve you of one disgusting burden. I’ll just die."
With trembling hands, she gripped the glass shard with all her might. The sharp edge dug into her fingers, and blood began to flow. Fear washed over her at the sight of the dark blood, but she couldn't afford to be weak.
"Haha, fuck, life really is a piece of work."
The fluid flowing along her slit wrist felt warm. It was a fleeting warmth in a frozen winter, a dead cold life. The musty basement smell mixed with the scent of blood, making it even more nauseating. Strength ebbed from her body; her mind grew hazy. Noisy sounds echoed. Were people fighting? Thumping sounds and curses drifted from all directions. Blue and red lights flashed. The police? Either way, she didn't have the strength to lift a finger. Footsteps grew closer. Was it him? But what did it matter? Everything was over now.
And so, Gaeul lost consciousness.
Detail image of Autumn 1, 2024
As she lay with her eyes closed, someone approached and whispered. "My beloved daughter, my lovely daughter." It was soft. An unknown presence gently tucked her hair behind her ear. Her ear shimmered quietly in the pale moonlight. Then, the presence whispered again. "My daughter, my beautiful daughter, wake up and come with me."
Gaeul felt it strange that a stranger would say such things. Yet, the touch and the voice felt so warm. Like the stability of an endless, deep sea, her heart began to melt. Liar. What’s so lovely about me? It’s a lie. Who are you to say that when you know nothing of my life?
Within Gaeul’s heart, stories different from the voice in her ear continued to unfold. She couldn't understand why a voice would seek out a life like hers. Yet, she felt she wanted to surrender to it. Like throwing oneself onto a drifting cloud to find perfect rest. If it were possible, just once, she wanted to cast herself onto that cloud. Whether from meaningless people, a family that never truly existed, or from her own discarded self—she wanted to escape from everything that shackled her.
"Gaeul! Gaeul!"
Everything was blurry; she couldn't tell if the mass before her was an object or a person. Hearing a heart monitor, she figured she was in a hospital. Gaeul closed her eyes and ears. She already missed that dream-like voice. But why is everything so noisy? She wished the world would just stop. She let out a long breath through her nose—a sigh of relief. A tear rolled down her cheek, carving a thin path. Emotions she had hidden deep inside flowed down that trail.
"Gaeul, are you okay? What happened??" She saw bobbed hair. It was Saerong. Saerong clutched Gaeul’s hand as she was wheeled on the gurney. That’s right, Saerong’s hands were always cold. Perhaps because she worked so much, they were still rough. Gaeul lay still, her mouth shut, saying nothing.
The clock passed midnight, moving toward two in the morning.